Ramblings from us as we strive to live a holy life in the world, not of the world.

Friday, January 27, 2012

In a Funk

Lately I've been in sort of a funk. Just kind of surviving which isn't like me, I'm usually very busy with the family. But my mood is reminiscent of my college and post college years when I tended to get depressed, or at least blue, every January when it's cold outside and I don't feel like doing much of anything. 

Perhaps the weather has something to do with it or perhaps it runs deeper. I have two very active boys, ages five and three, and my thoughts are often not focused as I'm always concerned what they will break next or who they will disturb. Along with those thoughts has been my muddled prayer time which is spent something like this:

"Oh Lord, today I humbly come to you...."What was that? Where are the boys? Are they into something that they shoudn't be into? Okay, let's try that again. "Oh Lord..." "Okay, I'll get you lemonade in a minute" Let's try that again... 

I feel guilty about my lack of focus but several months ago, I read in Lessons from Saint Benedict, Finding Joy in Daily Life by Donald S. Raila:

What is important is that God is using the desolation to draw us closer to Him. He is telling us that, despite our best of intentions, we are not in control of our prayer and we must learn to trust more in Him. Rather than let the dryness discourage us, we should accept our prayer and ourselves as we are, and then just keep praying as best we can. Our prayer is none the worse when it is dry. In fact, to think that we should be doing “better” can be a subtle form of pride. To judge that my prayer is not acceptable to God when God Himself is ready to accept whatever I have to offer with good intention is to be more exacting than the Lord who loves me as I am. Therefore, we an, in a sense, be consoled in the midst of our desolation by realizing, in faith, that God is with us despite our feelings and is helping us to engage in battle against prideful despondency, which the Devil can use to get us to give up altogether. We must know that God is telling us, “Do not lose hope! I have not abandoned you! Your darkness is a share in My Son’s Cross, and through it you can grow in trust and love.

So even though my prayers are dry or disjointed, I shouldn't be as concerned. As long as I'm giving the best that I can and not letting pride get in the way, then I'm offering the best that I can. I just to keep remembering that.

Now, on to pray a family Rosary. Won't be a totally focused one, but at least I know that God knows my intent.

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